25 Important Life Lessons We Learnt in 25 Years of Marriage

25 Unforgettable Lessons That Are Foundational to Our 25 Years of Marriage

Human beings have thrived on Relationships from time immemorial. A relationship is how we connect through our interactions, behaviours & commitments. One of the most important relationships is the couple relationship. It’s a commitment to stand by each other through good times & bad. Couple relationships can impact the mind and soul of both partners & play a huge role in moulding your personality. And many of the them like to culminate this relationship into marriage.

But how do we define marriage? Is this just another name given to a couple’s relationship, or is it something more? As per the dictionary meaning, marriage is a legal and/or religious institution in which two people commit to being together for the rest of their lives. However, it’s a personal choice whether one wants to stay committed in a relationship with or without marriage, and my blog is not about the difference or a comparison. My blog is about how this relationship moulds you and teaches you essential nuggets of life.

This year my husband and I complete 25 years of married life, adding to this 2 years of courtship. So we have known each other for 27 years. But I feel you don’t come to know a person until you stay with him/her in a family setting. In India, it means knowing and living with your spouse’s family and extended family. This brings on its own challenges but has its benefits, too, only if one is patient and willing to adjust to the tides that keep on rocking the relationship from time to time.

When we got married we did put down some couple goals and we kept fine-tuning them as we learnt through the relationship. And here I share with you 25 Important lessons we learnt in 25 years of marriage.

25 Important Lessons We Learnt in 25 Years of Being Married.

1. Marriage Is a Relationship of Equals – Each Takes a Backseat Temporarily While the Other Shines.

A healthy relationship is a relationship of equals. In this, both partners have equal rights and equal responsibilities. But It may so happen that in some situations, one may take precedence, and the other may have to compromise. This may be related to personal or professional life. However, this must be done willingly by the respective partner and not forced.

2. Respecting Each Other Means Respecting Each Other’s Families.

To get respect, one has to give respect to each other, which includes their extended families too. This shows your partner that you care for the people he/she cares for and strengthens your bond with your partner.

3. Give Space or Me-Time.

While relationships are all about sharing yourself with others, the most important relationship is with yourself. And sometimes you need that time with yourself to unwind & relax.

4. Fights Are Therapeutic, Provided You Are Willing To Learn From Them.

Never undermine fights or shrug them as trivial. We fight because something does not align with our thinking at that point. Important that you come out transparently about what caused it in the first place when you are resolving a conflict. However stupid it may be, it helps you to grow as a person from these situations provided you share honestly what caused it.

5. Never Sleep Over an Argument However Pick Your Battles Wisely.

While we may have flouted this many times, it remains one of the most important goals we try to meet. It is not healthy to let any discontent linger on for long. And the only thing that stops us from taking the first step towards resolution is our ego.

A corollary to the above point, let’s be mindful of what needs to be picked up for a discussion. And is it really worth the effort? Ignorance is bliss is actually a wise saying in certain situations.

Honestly, we both have accepted certain things about each other, which cannot change. It took time and a few arguments, but now we are at peace with those habits. For us, they still are irritants but not big enough to rage a battle.

Sometimes being perfectly imperfect has its own charm. Trust me on this.

6. Respect Each Other Professionally – Step in & Step Up.

When both partners are working, they must respect each other’s professional commitment. Especially when you have kids, both partners should take up dual responsibility when the need arises.

7. You Are Responsible for Your Kid’s Behaviours

If you decide to have kids, be ready to take on the responsibility for their behaviours as well. Your kids mirror your habits and value system so you better behave before expecting them to. Passing off your kid’s wrong behaviour to an external influence is an escapist view.

8. Never Put Your Partner Down in Front of a Third Person Definitely Never in Front of Your Children.

If you don’t show respect to each other, no one else will, especially your kids.

Discuss your point of disconnect behind closed doors. This grooming with your children evolves beautifully well such that when they are in mid-teens they actively participate in those closed-door conversations like adults.

9. Both Partners Should Understand the Finance Side of Life.

Every penny counts especially if it is hard-earned and knowing where it is invested will pave way for healthier discussions. I will be honest that I still have a long way to play part in this one and I know its importance.

10.  Respect Each Other’s Passion and Encourage It.

Knowing what is important to your partner and encouraging those traits or passions not only makes the other person happy, it also cements the tenets of mutual respect & understanding.

11. Inspire Each Other and Your Children, Always.

Why look for inspiration outside when you both can inspire each other with small little everyday things? These can be ensuring you don’t miss your yoga class or how he handles work stress. Learn and grow together.

Also mindfully do stuff that inspires your children – personally and professionally.

12. Be Each Other’s “Honest” Sounding Board.

Always be ready to lend an ear. Being honest without being judgemental is an art that requires a lot of practice and patience. Give constructive feedback and be open to listening to others’ opinions, even if you disagree.

13. Take Out Time for Each Other. Especially After Having Kids.

A Coffee, a drink or even a small walk … anything that gives you some uninterrupted time together.

14. Never Interfere with What Your Partner Wants To Do for Her/His Side of the Family.

If anything, encourage it.

15. I, Me, Myself

Sometimes you may need to prioritise yourself over your partner; that’s human, but make sure you discuss this with him/her and not leave the person guessing why & what. Remember, communication is the key.

16. Plan Surprises .. They Need Not Be Big Events or Gifts.. Small Gestures Can Make Your Partner’s Day.

After all, we are all kids at heart …aren’t we?

17.  You May Need to Prioritise Your Kids Over Your Partner Sometimes. Appreciate and Accept It.

In the end, you both will realise the benefit of the same.

18. Work To Find Common Friends.

Nurture these relationships as they ensure a common social life and give you one more reason to be together.

19. Be Intentional About Romance, It Requires Hard Work & Hard Work Always Pays Off.

Add that little spark at the end of a mundane day or a week.

20. You Don’t Have To Take All the Decisions – Trust and Let Go.

Learning to delegate without interference … a difficult one for me surely.

21. People Change, and So Will You and Your Partner as the Relationship Ages.

Make sure you both are open to course correction on the way so that the essence of the relationship does not change.

22. Thoughts of Jealousy Are Natural but Don’t Nurture Them.

It is better to be straight & clarify things than to let these thoughts linger on.

23. Faith & Religious Beliefs Are Personal Choices.

Respect and tolerance will go a long way in maintaining harmony in your life.

24. Whenever You Are at the Edge, Ask Yourself, Is It the Situation or the Person, and Then React.

Situations come and go, and one has to learn to deal objectively without being overly dramatic.

25. Marriages Maybe Made in Heaven, but You Have to Work on It Diligently every day to Experience It on Earth.

To summarise:

All relationships start with Love, but that love will only last if there is mutual respect, happy compromises and a commitment to make it work.

I hope these learnings help you set some relationship goals. I would love to hear your thoughts & feedback. Please feel free to leave your comments on the blog or reach out to me on my Instagram listed below.

And yes, please don’t forget to share these goals with your partner& encourage your friends too to set up some couple goals for a long-lasting healthy relationship.

A big Thank You to my sister Dr Minni Chadha for the beautiful artwork.

And last but not least, my dear Husband, Pankaj Gauba, for making sure his points are well worded and communicated.

These Important Lessons We Learnt in Our 25 Years of Marriage

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